“Make sure you’re contactable” – Dad
I’m gona rewind to December 31st 2016.
As most people were doing, I was getting ready to have a lively entrance to 2017. I came home from doing some shopping and the vibe in my house told me something wasn’t right. My Dad looked emotional, and that instantly told me Nana wasn’t okay. As hard as I could see it was for him to say, he said “Nan is in hospital. If they find her internal bleed, she’ll be okay. If not, assume the worst… just please make sure you’re contactable tonight.”
My whole body went numb.
I got a lump in my throat.
I could feel my eyes welling up.
Literally felt as though my heart has slowed all the way down.
I could hear my pulse in my head.
We went out for our family meal as originally planned; I had no appetite.
I soon left and met my people so I can try and keep positive.
A big reason why I have unconditional love for my friends is because they know when something isn’t right and I don’t even have to say a word. Maybe it was the ratio of wray and nephews to cranberry juice I poured in my glass..
I broke down. My boy held me and said it’ll be okay and a reason why that hit home is because he recently lost his mum so I know he’ll relate to the pain I feel.
I prayed to God over, and over, and over again, praying he will allow my soldier to get through this battle.
I became very intoxicated as the night went on. Met more people and I just couldn’t keep a fake smile on.
As soon as I saw Milly, the tears got real. I cried. We cried. I just felt helpless.
The night drew to an end and I somehow got home.
“Make sure you’re contactable”
I hadn’t heard anything all night so thought no news is good news.. right?
I was wrong.
January 1st 2017.
I woke up at whatever time in the afternoon, went downstairs to get a drink and Mum was in the kitchen. The look on her face told me everything I needed to know. I went back to my room and my Dad shortly followed and my legs gave way. He held me and all he said was “she’s in a better place now. She won’t have to suffer anymore.”
My only grandparent who I actually remember, my soldier, my backbone.. and now my guardian angel.
3 months have gone by and the pain hurts just as much as the day God took her from us.
She had been in a care home for about 6 months prior to her passing as she was getting too frail to live alone.. her personality never changed, but being 88 years old, she wasn’t as physically strong anymore and her memory was very slowly deteriorating.
Now, I never saw her in the care home. Not out of choice, but the days that were available I’d be working and visa versa. As much as I wish I could see her again and would do anything, a part of me is glad I didn’t see her in there because the woman that was in there, wasn’t the Gran that I would’ve wanted to remember.
I remember the good times. The days we would be in fits of laughter. The stories she would tell us and the gossip she’d always have to share. Her stocking up the biscuit tin then complaining in eating too many before dinner. Those are the times I’d want to remember.
My gran suffered with her health for years. She had mini strokes, she had heart issues, she broke bones, and as people get older, it happens. She got through it all. But it wasn’t easy at all, and as much as it hurts knowing I’ve lost someone I loved so much, she won’t have to suffer. She is at peace. My Nana will always remain in my heart and not a day goes by when I don’t think of her, but all I can do is make her proud whilst she’s looking over me.
It’s been hard to try and see the positives in such a dark situation, and to be honest there isn’t really any, apart from the fact that memories will never fade. Memories are important. Until you can guarantee tomorrow, don’t take any chances for granted. If you miss someone, tell them. If you love someone, tell them.
People who know me well, know that I don’t open up about my emotions. I try to deal with everything on my own. Do not think you can take on the world by your own because you will be setting yourself up to fail. Despite looking happy, the past few months have been difficult and I couldn’t have managed without a select few people who know who they are, and I can safely say my Nana is smiling whilst seeing me progress with such amazing people around me.
Rest in Paradise Nana x
JW
An Insight Into My Thoughts 