Lethargic.

I’m just tired. Physically. 

Mentally. 

Emotionally. 

I’m drained. 

Smiling for the sake of smiling. 

Smiling to save the questions. 

I can’t even put into words what is hidden behind me smiling. 

I’ll have days when I think I’m okay. 

I’ll think I’m climbing out of this mess. 

But all it takes is one train of thought and that’s it. 

Back to square one. 

It’s tiring. 

Keeping a smile on when there’s very little for me to genuinely smile about. 

“James cheer up bro it’s nothing to stress about”

If only they knew.
It’s dark here. 

 
JW

Stuck.

I’m kinda just stuck.
Stuck between a rock and a hard place. 
I’m neither here nor there. 
I’m just, stuck. 
I’ve got a goal to reach. 
I’m trying so so hard to reach it but forever feel like it’s getting further away. 
Shit is stressing me real hard. 
Every other minute of the day I’m thinking about this goal, and yet, it seems like a million miles away, yet so near, but also near impossible. 
Frustration has lead to tears. 
Tears have led to anger. 
Anger has made me blank. 
It makes me feel anxious. 
Constantly amongst my thoughts like a broken record with no overnight path to reach it. 
I know I’ve gotta have patience but they’re wearing thin right now. 
If you’ve ever encountered sleep paralysis, you’ll know what it feels like when you wana escape something but physically can’t until a little while later. 
That’s how this feels. 
Stuck. 
I just feel stuck. 
JW
 

Collateral Beauty

“Make sure you’re contactable” – Dad
I’m gona rewind to December 31st 2016. 
As most people were doing, I was getting ready to have a lively entrance to 2017. I came home from doing some shopping and the vibe in my house told me something wasn’t right. My Dad looked emotional, and that instantly told me Nana wasn’t okay. As hard as I could see it was for him to say, he said “Nan is in hospital. If they find her internal bleed, she’ll be okay. If not, assume the worst… just please make sure you’re contactable tonight.”

My whole body went numb. 

I got a lump in my throat. 

I could feel my eyes welling up. 

Literally felt as though my heart has slowed all the way down. 

I could hear my pulse in my head. 

We went out for our family meal as originally planned; I had no appetite. 

I soon left and met my people so I can try and keep positive. 

A big reason why I have unconditional love for my friends is because they know when something isn’t right and I don’t even have to say a word. Maybe it was the ratio of wray and nephews to cranberry juice I poured in my glass..

I broke down. My boy held me and said it’ll be okay and a reason why that hit home is because he recently lost his mum so I know he’ll relate to the pain I feel. 

I prayed to God over, and over, and over again, praying he will allow my soldier to get through this battle. 

I became very intoxicated as the night went on. Met more people and I just couldn’t keep a fake smile on. 

As soon as I saw Milly, the tears got real. I cried. We cried. I just felt helpless. 

The night drew to an end and I somehow got home. 
“Make sure you’re contactable”
I hadn’t heard anything all night so thought no news is good news.. right?

I was wrong.
January 1st 2017. 
I woke up at whatever time in the afternoon, went downstairs to get a drink and Mum was in the kitchen. The look on her face told me everything I needed to know. I went back to my room and my Dad shortly followed and my legs gave way. He held me and all he said was “she’s in a better place now. She won’t have to suffer anymore.”

My only grandparent who I actually remember, my soldier, my backbone.. and now my guardian angel. 
3 months have gone by and the pain hurts just as much as the day God took her from us. 
She had been in a care home for about 6 months prior to her passing as she was getting too frail to live alone.. her personality never changed, but being 88 years old, she wasn’t as physically strong anymore and her memory was very slowly deteriorating. 

Now, I never saw her in the care home. Not out of choice, but the days that were available I’d be working and visa versa. As much as I wish I could see her again and would do anything, a part of me is glad I didn’t see her in there because the woman that was in there, wasn’t the Gran that I would’ve wanted to remember. 

I remember the good times. The days we would be in fits of laughter. The stories she would tell us and the gossip she’d always have to share. Her stocking up the biscuit tin then complaining in eating too many before dinner. Those are the times I’d want to remember.  
My gran suffered with her health for years. She had mini strokes, she had heart issues, she broke bones, and as people get older, it happens. She got through it all. But it wasn’t easy at all, and as much as it hurts knowing I’ve lost someone I loved so much, she won’t have to suffer. She is at peace. My Nana will always remain in my heart and not a day goes by when I don’t think of her, but all I can do is make her proud whilst she’s looking over me. 
It’s been hard to try and see the positives in such a dark situation, and to be honest there isn’t really any, apart from the fact that memories will never fade. Memories are important. Until you can guarantee tomorrow, don’t take any chances for granted. If you miss someone, tell them. If you love someone, tell them.
People who know me well, know that I don’t open up about my emotions. I try to deal with everything on my own. Do not think you can take on the world by your own because you will be setting yourself up to fail. Despite looking happy, the past few months have been difficult and I couldn’t have managed without a select few people who know who they are, and I can safely say my Nana is smiling whilst seeing me progress with such amazing people around me. 
Rest in Paradise Nana x
JW

Time.

“Time is of the essence” as they say. There is not enough time in the day. 

I don’t have time for replaceable people to waste. 

I don’t have time to be letting my life drift past me uncontrollably. 

I don’t have time to be making sure everyone gets a prompt reply for small talk conversations.

I don’t have time to be glued to my phone at all times of the day. 

I don’t have time to be stressing about drama and gossip about things that simply don’t affect my life in any way possible. 
I don’t have time for games. 
I don’t have time to wait for everything to magically fall into place. 
I don’t have time to listen to people’s two pence on what I should and shouldn’t currently be doing. 

I don’t have time. 

Time. 

I have time for things that will benefit me. 

I have time people that will benefit me. 

I have time for those who will encourage and support me in everything I do. 

I have time to carefully plan my future. 

I have time to complete my personal goals and targets to help me grow. 

I have time for people who know the love is unconditional and know it’s not intentional that I may ghost away for months at a time without any contact; I’m just trying to be the best I can be. I have time to better my situation. 

I have time to focus on myself. 
Time. 
Do not assume you can consume my time if you don’t realise how valuable it is. 
Ask yourself; 

How much time do I have ? 

What do I have time for ?
JW 

Bubbles

Ever felt isolated?
Just in your own bubble. 
So many things to process in your mind. 

Things that would feel easier if you could actually talk to someone about them. 

But no one you know has been in your shoes so you can’t even have someone listen and be able to relate. 

Agreeing and saying “I understand” simply because they have nothing else to say, apart from suggest things that are out of context. 

So you just have to stay in that bubble. 

A million and one thoughts going around your mind at one time. 

You think long term. 

Short term.

And all of the in betweens. 

And still you haven’t progressed anywhere, apart from taking several steps deeper back in to that isolated bubble. 

I’m used to being the class clown. 

The joker. 

The person that makes every one else smile. 

Simply because that’s what I like to see people doing; smiling. 

But this bubble is suffocating me. 

I’m smiling for everyone else. 

To save the questions. 

To not be a burden. 
I’m struggling…
JW 

 

Routes

Have you ever been going about your day normally, then pause for like 5 or 10 minutes and drown in deep thought?
Thinking about things like the way you travelled that day.
What if you took a wrong turning and took a different route.
How could that have changed your life by taking that route.
What would have been different.
Would it have been a positive or negative to your life.
Would something have changed your life by going on a different path.
Life is full of paths and we don’t even realise.
We just go with the flow.
By leaving your house for work in the morning at 9:00am or 9:01am, that’s two different paths that could completely change what happens for the rest of your life.
I could be thinking too deeply right now, but think about it.
Think about the paths you take on a day to day basis.
Think about things that have happened just by chance.
Just because you took a different path one day.
Don’t be afraid to take a different path every now and then.
You could change your life.
Just by taking a different path.

~ JW

Untitled2.

I’m very much a person who puts everyone else before myself.
Whether it be family/friends/partner. I always try my best to keep everyone else happy.
It’s how I’ve always been.
I like going that extra mile to know people around me are happy.
Seeing loved ones smile because of something I may have said or done gives me a sense of accomplishment.
There’s not much I wouldn’t do for someone I love even if it means I’ll get just a smile in return.
I’ll be the person who can be called at silly o’clock in the morning just to be the sponge to soak up someone’s thoughts.
I’ll always try and see light in a dark situation and use that light to make you smile or have a sense of relief from whatever things could be troubling you.
Because people see me as such a jolly and positive person, it can have it’s downsides.
I feel as though I have to keep up a brave face just for everyone else despite what I may be going through.
It’s like I forget about myself by trying to do good for everyone else and then when I’m in need, happiness seems like a very distant thing.
I guess I tend to thrive off of other peoples happiness and forget about my own.
It’s not good but it’s just in my nature to be caring and concerned for peoples well being.
People say treat people how you’d expect to be treated, but realistically, with the world we live in, it’s not so simple.
You may always be giving things to people whether it be happiness, laughs, gifts etc, but it doesn’t always work in return.
In addition to that, being showered with gifts isn’t even something I’d want in return. Simply because I prefer much simpler things which have meaning behind them.
I never assume I’ll get back what I give, some things I just expect to come naturally.

Sadly, that’s not always the case.

[this is unfinished]

Presence.

I’m laying in my room, alone.
Although, I don’t feel as though it’s just me here.
This presence.
It’s unexplainable.
Random coldness has brushed past me a few times.
All of the windows are shut.
It definitely isn’t the wind outside.
I’ve been praying a lot.
I’ve been releasing my thoughts and prayers into the open.
I feel as though they’re being listened to.
I feel like he’s sitting in this room with me.
Comforting me in a way.
Letting me know that he’s listening.
I feel at ease.
Maybe it’s just a pigment of my imagination.
Maybe it’s not.
Who knows.

When ?

It hurts not knowing when you’ll next speak to someone.
Will it be in an hour?
A day?
A week?
Ever?
It kills not knowing.
All you want to do is pick your phone up and see a simple message or a phone call.
Yet there’s nothing.
Even though you know fully well there’s been no contact, you consistently check your phone.
If your phone rings or vibrates your stomach flips, just for it to be a message from someone you don’t even want to talk to.
It’s horrible.
Constantly on edge.
Constantly waiting.
Wondering when you’ll next speak.
You feel like just turning your phone off because it’s like you’re pointlessly waiting, but then you think “what if I get a call or text when my phone is off” so you leave it on, continuously checking.
Checking and seeing nothing.
Nothing whatsoever.
Patiently waiting makes you become impatient but all you can do, is wait.
Patiently wait.

Who’d of thought waiting for something so simple could be so excruciating.

Love Part2.

Love.
It’s a crazy thing isn’t it.
You could be mad as hell at someone, but you know that under all that frustration, you have an undying love for them which forces you to calm down.
That cushion type of love.
What I mean by that is no matter what the situation, you know that the love you have for a person is always there to fall back onto.
It keeps you sane.
Every man and his dog on this planet could claim to “understand”, but you know only the one person who has experienced your love, is the one and only person to say “I understand” and it actually be true.
Whether you say “I love you” or simply mimic each other by saying the same things or having identical mannerisms, you know that the bond you’ve built together is what makes that happen.
Maybe something so simple like laughing in a similar way or using the same slang.
It comforts you knowing that you can share something so unique with just one person.
Something so unique that it cannot be duplicated.
Love.
It’s amazing.
You could be having a conversation, and completely zone out, for the simple reason that their beauty, tone of voice, their whole persona just distracts you.
So you admire it.
You might be agreeing with what ever they could be talking about, nodding away like you’re following the conversation, and still have no clue what you’re actually listening to.
Simply because you can’t help but cherish their everything.
Love.
It’s beautiful.

[this is unfinished]